Does She or Doesn’t She?

I went to the eye doctor yesterday because I need new glasses. The last time I went, my regular doc wasn’t there, so I saw a sub. The sub said, “Did you know you have cataracts?” Nooooo, no one had ever mentioned that before.

Today my regular doc was there, so I asked her to tell me more about the cataracts. She said she’d have to wait until after my eyes were dilated before she’d know if I had them. I told her that the last doc told me I had them, and that my eyes weren’t dilated then. She said the way to tell is by looking at the dilated eyes.

Turns out, I don’t have cataracts, just some yellowing of the lens, which is caused by aging normal processes.

I doubt the substitute doctor will be asked to come back.

National Women’s History Month

In honor of National Women’s History Month, I’d like to tell you about the changes in women’s rights in my lifetime. So far. I’m 56, and I do hope there will be more for me to see.

Most young women probably don’t realize how things were for us a few decades ago. I’m not making these things up, so read on:

At one time or another in job interviews, I was legally asked:

Are you married?
Do you have any children?
Do you plan to have any children?
Are you pregnant now?
Do you take birth control?

Men could smoke in the office; women could not.

Women could not wear slacks to work.

Men were addressed as “Mr.” – women by their first names.

If a woman was unmarried, she was assumed to be looking for a husband.
If she was not looking for a husband, she was a “Career Girl,” or worse, a lesbian.

If a girl got pregnant in high school, she was expelled.

Out-of-wedlock pregnancies were not openly acknowledged. Usually, a girl would be sent by her parents, or a woman would go, to another state, country, or city, where she would wear a wedding band and say that her husband was in Vietnam. Single, unmarried mothers would wear a wedding band and say their husbands were killed in Vietnam.

Abortions were illegal. (Get ready to march in the streets over this one, sisters.)

I was a legal secretary, and when I typed the Notary’s acknowledgment for a woman’s signature, I had to add the words, “that she read the above document, and it was explained to her.”

Women could not get credit in their own name.

Women did not make the same salaries for the same jobs as men (not that women could even get many of the same jobs as men.) Women were told, legally, that was because “men have families to support.” Employers cannot use that excuse today, but women still do not make as much money as men in the same jobs.

I’m sure I could think of others, as soon as I hit “Post.” For the women of my age group and older, please share your experiences.

Bimbos, Sushi, and Psycho Birds

Oh Well, It Was Only One of 24

Jack Bauer’s daughter, Kim, returned in last night’s episode of 24. I suspect that this character was removed from the regular cast a few seasons ago because she was so annoyingly stupid. Unfortunately, Kim did not grow a brain during her absence. (Of course, I am talking about the character “Kim,” not the actress who plays her, Elisha Cuthbert.)

Killing Edgar off just about broke my heart, as well as Chloe’s.

A show that can evoke such emotions in its followers — heck, a show that has loyal followers who can’t miss even one of 24 episodes — obviously has great writers.

Sushi, Anyone?

Scroll down to see the “Smoked Worms and Coffee” sign from North Carolina. Didja ever stop to think that smoked worms must be for fish who don’t like sushi? Think about it.

Love Birds

One summer we had the psycho-insomniac mockingbird from hell in our magnolia tree. Why psycho? He sang at night. All night. I normally enjoy hearing these birds, and after all, they are the State Bird of Texas. But they’re a lot less enjoyable when you’re trying to get some sleep. It is illegal to kill a mockingbird in this State (not that we would actually kill any bird.) But on a couple of those sleepless nights, Tom went outside, got the waterhose, and sprayed the little begger. Finally, the psycho bird went off to sing at someone else. I feel kinda bad about that. The reason mockingbirds sing at night is because they have lost, or cannot find, a mate.

Well, now we have a psycho love bird. Her mate died, and the other two love birds in the aviary ignore her. Lisa hasn’t taken to chirping all night, yet. Just during the day. Like when you’re trying to read or write or hear the television or talk on the phone or to each other or to yourself or listen to music. Especially if you are trying to listen to music, because then all three birds start chirping. (BTW, they prefer Mozart to Wagner, and they think that the beeper on the microwave is another bird, so they keep calling to it.) I can’t say that Lisa sings, exactly. It’s more like … ranting. She gets on these rants and won’t quit. Spraying her with the garden hose won’t stop the problem. Besides, it’s an indoor aviary.

Real Estate Comedy

Our continuing Real Estate Drama has entered a comedic interlude, which began several weeks ago.

CAST:

Daffy, real estate agent
Bozo, Daffy's client
Homer, acquaintance of Bozo's

Daffy brought his client, Bozo, to see Maxwell House, the one we've been trying to sell so that we can move to North Carolina (both of my regular readers are sick of this by now, but I can't help that, and besides, this is my blog, not theirs). Bozo is very interested in buying this property, so much so that he makes an offer, no option period, and says he'll pay cash and close next week. We thought the offer was low, so we made a counter-offer. No, he was not going to come up on the price. Period. For most people this would have been end-of-story.

But not for us. No, then Bozo brings his acquaintance, Homer, to see the place, and they both bring a contractor with them to give them an estimate of what it would cost to convert the house from a five-plex to a duplex sometime on down the road. Bozo makes another offer, this time with an option, but still cash, close next week. We turn it down. It's way too low.

Bozo comes up a little, we come down a little. Back and forth like that for a while. I'm trying not to bore you here.

We settle on a price and Daffy and Bozo say they'll have the papers to us "in the morning." A week goes by, no papers, nor will they return any phone calls.

Now here's the funny part: Daffy calls, finally, and makes another offer, much lower than the one we had all agreed upon. Hahahahhaaaaaaaaa. Not.

We're like, nooooooooooo, don't think so. So the clowns come up by $500. See? This is now getting close to hilarity, isn't it? I mean, who the hell would come up a measly $500 bucks and expect to close a deal? Bozo.

Here's the kicker: Homer faxes an offer that is $1,000 higher than Bozo's. This means that Bozo and Homer have cut Daffy out. They just used him to find properties for them, and have dropped him so they don't have to pay a fee! Furthermore, Homer's name is not on any of the papers, so they can get away with this if Homer is the one to make the offer. Okay, this part is hysterical: Homer demands an answer within 24 hours! Hehehehehheeeeeeeee. Told ya, huh? huh? (Take a breather if you need to here.)

Now then, it has been three days since Homer's offer and we haven't deigned to respond. The next time they call? We're going to say our price is back up where it was in the beginning. If they are true to form, they'll come up another thousand bucks, and so will we. Come up a thousand bucks. Or five hundred, whatever, to match them. We'll keep going up as long as they want to make offers. Isn't that funny? Aren't you glad you read all this?
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Alrighty, then. To try to make up for this, here's a bit-o-comedy from the murder mystery I'm writing: the murder weapon is part of an antler (the Main Character is making a life-sized Christmas display of Santa's sleigh and reindeer.) Yes, folks, it's death by Rudolph. Antler Fu.
Now that's funny, isn't it?

More Kinky Cat Saving

Some have asked me what the title, Save The Cat!, means. I hadn't the foggiest idea before I started reading the book. Here's the deal: Snyder gets down to the basics of good story-telling, and one absolutely necessary basic is an early "save-the-cat" scene. That meant that my Main Character should do something, very early in the story, that will demonstrate that hey, this is a decent guy (no matter what he does later on). He could, oh … save a cat, for example. 🙂

I did not have a save-the-cat scene in Gino's Law, but now I do. This makes so much sense, and gives readers (both of them) insight into Gino's true nature right away.

Here's something that amazes me about writing: your subconscious knows the story waaay before you do. I needed a save-the-cat scene, so I went back to the beginning to look for a good place for one. It needed to be plausible, and to fit naturally into the story. Hmmm. I already had a scene where Gino, a landlord, is talking to one of his tenants, named Brandye.

Let me back up here a moment. The house that "Gino" lives in is based on Maxwell House, the one I've been trying to sell so we can move to North Carolina!

The apartment that "Brandye" lives in, in my story, is actually — in real life — occupied by a lady who is a Hurricane Katrina survivor. Viola! "Gino's" save-the-cat moment is right there, and was right there all along! All I had to do was have "Brandye" be a Katrina survivor whom "Gino" had let live there rent-free for several months until she found a job and put some savings together!
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I got to shake Kinky Friedman's hand last night. He was in Dallas for the day. First, he was Grand Marshal of the annual Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day parade (see his site for a picture of that, and yes, I know it isn't St. Paddy's Day yet, go figure), then he went to the Wine Therapist (don'tcha love that name?), where we were, to meet and greet, and then on to a fund-raiser, which we didn't attend because we're cheap. Hey, we did buy some memorabilia at the Wine Therapist, though!

Did you know that there's a Kinky Friedman action figure? That sez stuff in his very own actual voice? My favorite slogans are, "Why the Hell Not?" and "How Hard Could It Be?" (to be Texas governor.) Did you know they also have Kinky Friedman Salsa? And CDs? I love this guy. Talk about low key — he just walked into the Wine Therapist — no announcements, no fanfare, just came in with his trademark hat and cigar and started chatting with people, shaking hands, and autographing stuff. My friend Grace, the artist, brought her daughters with her, and the youngest one got her jeans autographed by Kinky!

It was such a hoot!

After that I, along with Pooks, Grace, the artist, and her daughters stampeded went next door to The Tipperary Inn because we heard that men in kilts were over there (poor Tomcat followed along.) But we didn't stay long, even for men in kilts, because the air conditioning was out. So, we had dinner at La Calle Dolce.

then i'm afraid i got a little tipsy when I made the mistake of ordering more more wine …

The Golden Cat Saves Kinky

Whaaaaa? This post contains three different subjects, and the title, The Golden Cat Saves Kinky, ties them all together. Trust me.

First, if you are a writer, whether aspiring or published, whether you write screenplays or novels, you simply must read Save the Cat! by Blake Snyder. This book boils it all down to the basics. Snyder is a screenwriter, and his book is for screenwriters. But I am an aspiring novelist, and the basics of storytelling, in whatever medium, still apply.

I'm only on page 47, and I've already learned three extremely important things:

(1) Start (preferably before you've written a word) with a good logline. This is the one-sentence description of what the book (or movie) is about. If you can't come up with a good logline, you don't have a good story yet. Try this with your own work and you'll see the truth of this.

(2) Your title is joined to the logline. It should also say what the book/movie is about. Think about what the title would look like on a book cover, or better yet, on a movie poster. For example, the first title for my work-in-progress was "Paradise Parkway." After coming up with the logline, the title had to be changed. It is now "Gino's Law" with a subtitle, "For Every Action, There's an Overreaction." That title and the subtitle imply all kinds of interesting things, don't they? Way better than "Paradise Parkway."

(3) There I was, thinking I was writing a "Whodunit" or even a "Whydunit," when the story I was really writing belonged in one of ten unique genres listed in Snyder's book: The [story of the] Golden Fleece. The Golden Fleece is all about the quest and how the hero is changed along the way.

Okay, I skipped ahead in the book and read his take on Midpoints. Snyder says that the story's Midpoint is just as important as the First and Second Turning Points. This helped me tremendously in plotting Act II of Gino's Law.

See? "The Golden Cat Saves" portion of the title makes sense now! That leaves us with the Kinky part. (To any perverts out there: stop slobbering already! Ew.)

Tonight we're going to actually see and meet Kinky Friedman, who's running for Governor of the State of Texas! He's on a petition drive to get on the November ballot. Tomcat and I Saved Ourselves For Kinky (didn't vote in the primaries) just so we will be eligible to sign the petition.

Kinky is a writer and singer (he founded The Texas Jewboys.) He is also a brilliant, witty, down-to-earth man who is fed up with both the Republican and Democratic Parties in Texas. We have a great tradition in this state — there are tons of Independent voters, myself included. In Texas, we do not have to register with any party if we do not wish to. I have voted for candidates of both of the major parties, although it's been a long time since I've voted Republican. How long? Since the Funda-mentals took it over in the Reagan era.

So there you have it: The Golden Cat Saves Kinky.
Thank you for your time.

Major Plot Twist

My writer friend Pooks suggested a great plot twist for the mystery novel I'm working on. Once again, Pooks, I am so grateful for your brilliance (she was the one who first said this bit-o-novel I had going would be a good mystery story.)

I got up at three o'clock yesterday morning to write that major plot twist scene, and I'm very pleased with it.

Now, if only I could have a major plot twist in my life, like getting Maxwell House sold so we can move to North Carolina!!!!

Just LOOK at what we're missing:

(btw, this was taken after Katrina hit, hence the high gas prices)

Here’s Something Fun

Go here and you can upload a picture of yourself (or just use their model) and “try on” different kinds of makeup!

Groucho

This is for real! Yesterday Grace, the artist, and Pooks, the writer, and I, the, um, blogger — oh wait — the other blogger, went rose hunting with our trusty credit cards, and we found “Groucho” at one of the nurseries. Isn’t he darling? But, he would NOT open his eyes if the camera was pointed at him.

In Texas, you buy roses in Tyler, a town just a couple of hours east of Dallas. On the way, we stopped first at a nursery near Edom, Texas, called Blue Moon Gardens, and that’s where we found Groucho. Blue Moon Gardens is located “7 Miles East of Edom.” Not a bad place for Groucho!

Problem With Impeachment Ribbon

I was looking for a source to get a new “Impeach Bush” banner because mine had disappeared. Fortunately, I ran across this site and found out that the problem has been noted and is being explored. Whew! The paranoids weren’t after me. This time.

I copied the html code for an “Impeach Bush” badge, which is over there on the sidebar.

Meanwhile, if you haven’t seen my new link, called “Asshat,” you will be entertained. Just click on the pictures. Many thanks to Shelly at Citizen Against Lies on my blogroll!

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I didn’t vote in the primaries today because I wouldn’t be able to sign the petition to get Kinky Freidman on the November ballot for Texas Governor. His supporters call this: Save Yourself For Kinky!

You can click on his site over there on my links, too.