March 27, 2006

Friends Don’t Let Friends Vote Republican

Filed under: Political Chapter — chapterhouse @ 4:46 am

You may have seen this one before, but it's worth reviewing.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush II needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Feel free to pass this on. If you don't send it to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

And, let me add a couple of recent ones my own:

We must respect the sovereignty of the Afghan government, but it was okay to oust the legitimate government of Iraq.

We will help rebuild the Mosque that was bombed in Iraq, but our own citizens are still living in tents in Louisiana and other Gulf coastal states.



  1. Why do you hate America?

    Comment by Anonymous — March 27, 2006 @ 3:17 pm | Reply

  2. Why do you love America so much that you would try to save it from the Republicans?

    Comment by OldHorsetailSnake — March 27, 2006 @ 6:13 pm | Reply

  3. hi oldhorsetailsnake! I was sorry to hear that your male menopause has been flaring up on you again. Maybe some testorone shots would help?
    Love ya!

    Comment by Anonymous — March 27, 2006 @ 7:25 pm | Reply

  4. This one never gets old. Thanks for the post!

    Ready for one more? You’re pro-life because you oppose abortion, stem cell research, environmental protection, and universal healthcare and support war and the death penalty.

    Comment by DaughterOfLiberty — March 27, 2006 @ 8:09 pm | Reply

  5. I was having a good day… ok not really but that sounded good. we dont hate america dougwinans, we hate what is happening to america. and since we are free americans, we have the right to criticize our government, ok?

    Comment by dawn marie — March 28, 2006 @ 2:34 pm | Reply

  6. Plainly the “dougwinans” question displays a lack of understanding. Chenoah has demonstrated a hatred of American morons, not America itself.
    One who hates American, would, say, send our troops to be killed based on weak intelligence (read that any way you choose).
    Someone who hates America would, for instance, plunge us into un-charted depths of debt that is being financed largely by China and Japan.
    Someone who hates America would divert military resources from the front lines of terrorism in Afghanistan to chase phantom WMD’s in Iraq.
    Someone who hates America might speak out against our dependance on foreign oil, then threaten to veto any effort to de-rail a back-room deal made to give an oil-rich state-run company control over some major seaports.
    One the other hand, someone who LOVES America might be inclined to stand up and yell “W-T-F is going on here?”

    Comment by Thomas Lorne Williams — March 28, 2006 @ 7:44 pm | Reply

  7. Sarcasm is very hard to express in a comment box. Oh well. 😦

    Comment by Anonymous — March 30, 2006 @ 1:35 pm | Reply


    Comment by NIKI — February 3, 2011 @ 11:29 pm | Reply

  9. Wonderful blog! Do you have aany helpful hints for aspiring
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    Comment by site — April 22, 2017 @ 11:00 pm | Reply

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